TITLE: Blind But the Soul Can See AUTHOR: Meg Inntonti (Crimson X) CLASSIFICATION: S, A, MSR RATING: NC-17 SPOILERS: One Breath, Momento Mori, Patient X, The Red and the Black KEYWORDS: MSR FEEDBACK: welcome at meginn@juno.com FLAMES: see author's note at end. DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully are not mine. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013, and FOX. No infringement intended. *trust me* SUMMARY: I once was lost but now I'm found, Was blind but now I see.... AUTHORS NOTE AT END. __________________________________________________________________ Blind But the Soul Can See by: Meg Inntonti Dana Scully's manicured nails drummed mechanically on the cool metal table. She paused for a minute, checked the delicate gold watch that sat on her wrist, than continued her staccato tapping. Mulder was late. She was getting impatient. She looked up and tossed a thin, apologetic smile at the other men in the room. They were standing around anxiously in dark, stiff suits which seemed to match their moods. She and Mulder had just finished a case with the NYPD and where now scheduled to have a meeting. The purpose of this meeting was for them to explain what they found during their investigation and why a whole neighborhood was in quarantine. A typical X-File, and Mulder was not there. Well, she decided, if he doesn't show up I am *not* telling them his theory on the deadly alien virus. The cops were getting annoyed, pacing back and forth on the grungy tile floor and looking up at the wall clock every couple minutes. She considered their behavior and found it completely understandable. Throughout the time she and Mulder were on this case, he had been spouting every insane, ridiculous theory that popped to mind, ignoring local law enforcement, and trying to sneak into restricted government compounds .... again. He's a dead man. Scully's cell phone rang sharply in the dull room. She reached for it thinking: She punched the talk button with a little more force than necessary and brought it to her ear. "Scully" she greeted stiffly. Suddenly, her face changed from pissed off, to horror, to worry. "Oh my God, where is he...... I'll be right there." She hung up the phone without waiting for a reply and grabbed her suitcase with haste, getting up so fast her chair fell over with a heavy metallic clang. She rushed out of the room, an "I'm sorry,....I have to go." left hastily in her wake. The door slammed behind her echoing down the hallways as she ran out of the police department, and headed to the hospital. __________________________________________________________________ Scully stood pacing back and forth, in the cramped, confined waiting room. Her eyes on the floor, tracing every crack, and every nick in the gray tile as if it would somehow tell her what the doctors would not. Her forehead was scrunched with worry and fear, giving her a headache. She brought her hand up to massage her temples and relive some pressure, but dropped them to her side when it didn't work. She heard the creak of a door and her head shot up, along with the other occupants of the waiting room. "Are you Dana Scully?" The tall, thin doctor looked down at her through his glasses, chewing on a wad of nicotine gum. "Yes, is he all right? What are his vitals." Immediately, Dana's posture straitened up and she became Dr. Scully. "Well, Mr. Mulder is stable now. We have him on a respirator, and he didn't acquire any serious outer injuries, a bruised rib cage, and his face is a bit scratched up." "What do you mean 'outer' injuries?" Scully asked, concern shadowing her face. "Well, during the accident, he received a serious blow to the head. Which may have caused blindness." Scully took in the information the doctor told her with horror. "Full or partial?" "Full. The prospect of recovery does not look good." "Oh my god. Is it permanent?" "It could be." __________________________________________________________________ Dana eased the hospital chair closer to Mulder's bed and tried to get comfortable in the cold, plastic seat. She rested one hand on his warm forehead, smoothing out the harsh wrinkles with her fingertips and running them through his soft brown hair. Her other hand closed around his, holding tightly as if it were the only thing keeping him in his stable condition. She was afraid that if she let go of his hand, that she would be letting go of him too. She knew what Mulder was going through, she had been there herself a long time ago. Her eyes slipped shut and an image appeared behind the lids. It was familiar, yet different this time. Mulder is siting listlessly in a small, rickety, wooden boat, bobbing up and down on the light ripples of a lake. It's cloudy, cold, and damp, a light fog drapes over the dark water. Scully is standing on the dock wearing a black trenchcoat, her face emotionless and distant. The boat is tethered weakly to the dock, and looking closely enough you can see it tremble and strain. Scully looks strait ahead and Mulder, and he at her, but she knows he is not seeing her. Suddenly, the rope begins to shake violently and snaps beneath the pressure. Mulder starts to drift into the lake, in one swift motion, Scully reaches out and grabs the rope tightly. Easily and slowly, one hand over the other, she pulls him back in. Scully's vision fades quickly and she turns to see Mulder shifting restlessly in his bed, struggling against the tubes and wires. She leans in close and whispers easily to him, her fingers still combing through his hair. "Mulder" her voice is soft and angelic, willing him to wake up. His eyes flutter a bit before opening fully, Scully's voice catches in her throat when she sees what's happened to him. His eyes, which were once full of life, hope, dreams, and beliefs were now empty, barren and desolate. She searched his eyes and found nothing in the dead, brown orbs. "Scully?" his voice was like sandpaper against silk, rough and scratchy. "Yes Mulder. I'm right here. Everything is O.K." her voice was thick and warm like hot chocolate, soothing him. "Turn on the light Scully. I can't see you." Scully fought back her tears, but one escaped and made it's small, crooked journey down her cheek. Her bottom lip trembled, her voice wavered and failed to keep strong through her whole sentence. "The light is on Mulder." He was still for a while trying to make sense of the dark cloak that covered his vision. His empty eyes seemed to look right past her to some nonexistent space behind her, seeing only a deep, black abyss. "What's happening Scully?" he managed to get out past his clogged throat. Scully tried to reassure and comfort him. She knew that she had to keep him as calm as possible. He was so afraid and fragile, too much information now would defiantly break him. "You were in a car accident. You hit your head pretty bad and that's why you can't see anything." "You need to get some rest." She helped him get comfortable, knowing he was too confused and tired to talk about anything yet. "Stay with me Scully." his voice was soft and pleading. She leaned down and placed a light kiss on his warm forehead. "Always." her whispered reply was the last thought to drift through Mulder's mind before he slipped into unconsciousness. __________________________________________________________________ Dana kept her vigil by Mulder's bedside all night, comforting him with her gentle caress and soothing him with her voice. A few times during the night, Mulder would thrash and twist around on the bed, caught in the tight, suffocating grip of a nightmare. He seemed to calm down immediately at her touch, and rest peacefully with her murmurs lulling him back to sleep. Dana was startled when the doctor appeared behind her. She turned to him, still not letting go of Mulder's hand. "How's he doing?" She asked in a whisper, not wanting to wake Mulder. The doctor's answer was just as soft as hers, his face turned solemn and worried. "Well, he didn't receive any trauma to the head, his brain waves are steady and normal. But, there is a very slim chance he will recover his eyesight on his own." He looked down at his feet, ashamed that he couldn't do anything for his patient. Dana looked back at her sleeping partner, her tears for him already starting to form in her eyes. She did not look away from Mulder as she spoke to the doctor. "Isn't there surgery that can fix this?" When she finally turned to the doctor, his face was thoughtful but not hopeful. "I have heard of Laser surgery used to repair peoples eyesight. I have only read about it in Medical journals though, if there even is a doctor out there doing this kind of surgery, it will be practically impossible to find one." His last sentence was said with regret. As Dana turned back to Mulder, the doctor took it as his cue to leave, and shut the door softly as he left. What did he ever do to deserve this? She wondered to herself. Mulder is such a brilliant, compassionate, handsome man, and he devoted his whole life, his whole being to finding his sister. If you really think about it, like Dana has often enough, his quest goes far beyond just his sister. If you could ever truly call someone a hero, it would have to be Mulder. He has risked his life and job countless times to expose the evil, nameless men who hide in a shadow of lies. He does this not merely to prove that extra terrestrials do in fact exist, but to protect the people who are victims of this plan. Some master plan made by these men who are more powerful than the President, and with a point that neither Scully or Mulder know... and they may never know. Mulder fights for the people who are taken from their homes and their lives with nothing but a flash of blinding light left in their wake. For the people like Dana who had their body's prodded and violated, who are given life-threatening cancer, that slowly eats away at their body, their mind, and eventually their soul until there is nothing left but a barren shape of skin and bones. He wants to prevent millions of people from being agonizingly burned to ash, like those in Russia, Skyland Mountain, and at the Bridge. He doesn't want people being tagged and labeled through vaccine shots. He wants to protect the other children who were abducted just like his sister. He fights every day of his life to find the truth, and to stop these people who cause nothing but pain to millions of people, and most of all, to Mulder himself. He is a true hero. Yet, he gets ridiculed at work and stepped on my the higher-ups. He gets everything he has ever wanted right in front of him, only to have it pulled away just as he reaches for it. Even if nobody acknowledge this, Mulder will always be a hero in Dana's heart... and much, much more. But now, the man who has lived his whole life in darkness, will never see light again. __________________________________________________________________ When Mulder woke a few hours later, Dana was deep in thought. His rough voice jarred her to reality. "Scully?" She caught his beautiful, empty eyes with her own. "I'm right here Mulder. How are you?" The concern in her voice was obvious. "It's dark." he rasped. Dana could not hold in her tears any longer, they came forward in a rush, blurring Mulder's image before her, but did not fall. She choked on her words, like they were a gag preventing her from breathing. "I know Mulder. I know it is." He could feel her body tremble from her silent crying. His forehead wrinkled with worry, and he brought his hand up to touch her face. She met him half way and guided his palm so it rested against her cheek. His thumb brushed her tears away with a gentle, caring touch. She saw his eyes shimmer in the low fluorescent light, than a single droplet fell and ran down his face. "I - I'm so sorry Mulder." she was crying now, her forehead scrunched, and her lips pulled tight with anguish. She bent down and buried her face in his neck, muffling her sobs. She felt his hand feeling her back until it found her head, and he stroked her hair just like she had for him all night long. Dana could feel him swallow, than heard a small sound in the back of his throat and knew he was crying too. She clung to him while she cried, and while he cried, and even after when neither of them had any more tears left. __________________________________________________________________ Dana drove along the highway, in front of her the sun touched the horizon and flattened over it, sending out rays of pinks and oranges along the baby blue sky. She glanced at Mulder in the seat next to her, his blank eyes were staring strait ahead, but he couldn't see the beautiful sunset. He was lost in thought, and lost in the dark. He hadn't said a word since they left the hospital, but Dana didn't push him. This was very serious and he needed to deal with it in his own way. She would leave him alone in his thoughts and she would not pry, but she would not leave him either. Even if he would not admit it out loud, he needed her and she would be there for him. She always was. Mulder felt completely vulnerable, and alone. Scully was right beside him, but it was like she didn't exist, nobody did. It was just him - alone. He lost all coordination along with his sight, and felt like a klutz. The worst thing is he couldn't see anything. When he closed his eyes at night to try and get some sleep, images would appear before his lids. Sometimes they were bad, filled with forgotten scenes from his childhood when he had Samantha. Sometimes they were good, dreams of the past, hopes for the future, a lot of them including Scully. He was never truly in the dark, because he had his dreams, and too often nightmares, to keep the darkness company. But now, he had no dreams, no nightmares. Just darkness, blackness. It was absolutely terrifying, worse than any horrible nightmare. Sometimes the only thing more frightening than something bad, is nothing at all. That's what he felt, and that's what he saw - nothing. __________________________________________________________________ Dana helped Mulder in his house and settled him on the couch. He was still silent and wouldn't say anything except a few "uhuh's" when she asked him a question. "Would you like me to make you some dinner Mulder?" Scully asked, while clearing up some papers and books that littered the floor so he wouldn't trip. "I'm not hungry." he replied solemnly. He sat on the couch, his eyes looking out into space. "Okay. Well, do you need anything else? I could get you some-" "I'm fine Scully." he paused a moment, regretting how harsh his words came out. "You can go home now." Dana just nodded, she understood his need for space right now. Before she left, she placed Mulder's cell phone on the coffee table in front of him. "If you need anything, just call me." He nodded, and she turned to leave. He could hear the shuffle of fabric as she put her coat on, the heavy wooden creak of the door as she opened it, and the pause as she turned back to check on him one last time. "Goodnight Mulder." her voice was one step away from tears, and caused his own throat to tighten. "Good night Scully" Once he heard the door click behind him, he collapsed his head into the palms of his hands and cried... and cried, and when he had no tears left, his body still convulsed with dry heaving sobs. Later, he slept and for once he was thankful for the nightmares. __________________________________________________________________ Their situation was tense, threatening to break any minute. They sat on the couch in Mulder's living room, but neither one acknowledged the other. Two plates with hamburgers and french fries sat on the coffee table. Dana's remained untouched and Mulder's had only a few bites. Dana had come back to Mulder's place after work, like she had been for the past week. She would clean up, cook them dinner, wash the dishes, do laundry and any other chores that had to be done. Sometimes they would sit on the couch and eat together, but they didn't talk. The frigid silence bothered Dana, but she didn't say anything; she knew she would not get any answer from him. So they each sat on opposite sides of the sofa, lost in their own cold thoughts. Dana was seriously worried about Mulder. He was pulling away from her and hurting her. She knew he didn't mean it, but it hurt her deeply to see him so depressed and lonely. It was like the little piece of her heart, the one that was so attached to his smile, his jokes, was veiled in the thick black cloak that covered Mulder. It was like he had fallen into a deep coma, not speaking more than a few syllables, and barely eating any food. She missed him so much, and this new person he had become was scaring her. She began to wonder if he would ever snap out of it. She kept telling herself... any day now... soon... maybe a little more time... but they were both running out of time. Mulder was getting angry at the way Scully was treating him. He knew that she only meant good, but it made him feel completely useless. He couldn't stand not being able to do anything for himself, he couldn't walk into the next room without bumping into something and having Dana run over to help him. He couldn't stand having her cook and clean and do everything for him. He really appreciated it but he was so used to doing everything by himself. For years, he never trusted anyone, never depended on anyone but himself. When Scully came along, he was happy to give her his trust, but he could never let himself depend on her. He could never let himself need her. He wanted to reach out and pull Scully into his arms and hold her, let her know how he couldn't live without her; but no matter how much he wanted to - he just couldn't. Because he knew that pretty soon, Scully was going to get sick of fighting for him at work, and cleaning up after him at home. She'd just get up and walk out - and he would have nothing. Dana's voice sliced through his thoughts like a hot knife. "Mulder?" she tried to get his attention, but he was off in space somewhere. "Yeah." she decided to ignore the low, almost irritated sound in his voice. "I have a meeting with Skinner in the morning. He wants to close down the X-Files." she looked up at him but found no change in his stiff posture. There was a long, strained silence before he answered. "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to do whatever I can to keep them open." "Why?" she was shocked by his question. His whole life was in those files, and he didn't care one bit. She moved off the couch so she could sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of him. She looked into his eyes, and finding them too disturbing, shifted her gaze to somewhere along his chest. "Because I owe it to you, and I owe it to myself not to give up this easily. Your life and my life are in those files -" "My life is over" his head fell forward, Dana stared at him along time before getting up and going into Mulder's bedroom. She shut the door quietly behind her, and fell onto the bed that she had been sleeping on for the past week. She cried herself to sleep, knowing Mulder was doing the same thing in the next room. They cried together, for each other - but they were so far apart. __________________________________________________________________ A dream, a nightmare. Falling fast down a never-ending spiral of violent shadows. Everything is cold, dark, black, like an endless night. The blackness is like a silk sheet, with waves like a stormy ocean. The waves become giant black hands that grasp and close over his weak, helpless form, covering... gripping... squeezing... suffocating... Mulder woke with a start. There was still darkness, but the hand stopped choking him, melting away into the thicker blackness that always follows him. Mulder sat up, wiping the sweat from his brow. He tried to speak, but his throat was dry and thick from sleep. His cry came out hoarse and rough. "Scully?" There was no answer. He moved to get up and pour himself a glass of water, but only managed a couple staggered steps before his knee connected with the corner of his night table. "Shit!" He clutched his throbbing knee and sank down onto the bed. "Damn." He tried to catch his breath and calm his jilted nerves, but it didn't work. He was too uneasy, and too on edge. He as alone, in the dark. Mulder groped around furiously until his wandering hands found his cell phone; feeling the buttons until he found where he thought the speed dial was, and pushed. The seven consecutive beeps were load in the empty apartment. "Scully." He was silent for a moment, just relieved and a little grateful to hear her voice. "Hey. It's me." His voice was low, still clogged from sleep. He cleared his throat. "Mulder - is everything okay? Are you all right?" Her voice was worried and a bit frantic. He wished she wouldn't get that was over him so much. "I'm fine. Just a little... " his voice trailed off, not wanting her to think he was vulnerable, but needing her desperately. "... uneasy I guess." "Well, that's understandable." her voice was light and comforting now. He was so relieved that she wasn't making him feel stupid about needing her. Mulder started to relax, his voice taking on a low, husky tone. "Scully, could you... just talk to me please." "Sure." her voice soothed. "Hold on one minute, I'm in a meeting right now." Even though she put her hand over the mouthpiece, Mulder could still hear her muffled voice as she politely excused herself, saying she had an important phone call. Scully quietly shut the office door behind her, than checked up and down the hallway and found it empty. She laid her back against the cold wall next to the door, and let herself sink to the floor. She sat that way, with her knees tucked tightly to her chest and the phone pressed against her ear. She was so glad that Mulder was finally reaching out to her. Maybe, she thought to herself, maybe everything will be okay. There was some hope for them, a small crack in the black wall that was letting a little light seep through. The Lone Gunman had heard about Mulder's accident and they were devastated. For the past week, they had hacked into every medical data base in the U.S. and most of Europe. She knew that they would not give up until they found a doctor for him. She laid her head back against the hard wall and let her eyes slip shut so she was on the same wavelength as Mulder. "I'm right here Mulder. It's okay." she forced all her worries, problems and fears out of her voice so it was clear and unwavering. The comfort she wanted to give Mulder softened her words until they were a wisp, a caress. "Where are you know Mulder?" "... I'm in bed." what he didn't tell her was that he was finally sleeping in his own bed because she had for the last few nights. The cotton sheets kept a hint of her smell and a bit of her warmth like it had a secret. "Okay, now I want you to lie back and relax. Calm down, and close you eyes." He did as she said and pulled the covers snugly around him. "Okay, good. Just picture me there with you Mulder. I'm right there, listen to my voice... I'm with you. Always next to you Mulder." her voice melted over him like hot chocolate. He pressed his face into the down pillows and imagined that he could smell her, feel her. "It may seem dark and scary, but you are not alone. You're never alone Mulder, I'm always with you." She kept her voice strong and steady, even though she was close to tears. She spoke softly about everything and nothing. She told him she was there for him, that she would never leave him. She comforted him and told him everything he needed to hear. He filled her pauses with small, almost inaudible "uhuh's", "yes's" and "hmm's" that got weaker as she talked. Almost two hours later, she could hear his soft, even breathing over the phone, and knew he had fallen asleep. Dana thought about turning off her phone, but figured Mulder still had his pressed to his ear, and feared the busy signal would wake him. So, instead she kept her cell on and slipped it into her pocket. After wiping her eyes of the moisture that had formed there, she got off the floor and brushed herself off. After taking a deep breath in preparation, she entered the office. Skinner and the other men in the office looked up when she opened the door. "Is everything all right?" Skinner asked, his forehead creased with curiosity and worry. Scully straightened her posture and cleared her throat to get her voice back to it's usual powerful tone. "Yes. everything is fine." "You were out there for a long time." He pointed out. "Well, It's all under control now." Scully replied and went to her seat, organizing the papers in her briefcase. Skinner didn't buy it, but let the matter go. Scully paused a minute, than spoke. "Um... if we're all done here, I would like to go. I have some other things that I need to take care of." "No, were all done here. You can go." Truth was, they were not close to deciding what to do with the X-Files, but he knew what Mulder was going through and that they needed each other right now. "Thank you Sir." Scully packed her stuff in one quick motion and left the room. __________________________________________________________________ Dana was quiet when unlocking and entering Mulder's apartment. She left her things by the door and made her way to the bedroom, picking up stuff as she went. She could never understand how Mulder could live in such a mess, he had books, magazines, tapes and clothes all over the place. After dumping half of Mulder's wardrobe, which she found on the floor, into the hamper she went to his bedroom. She eased the door open to reveal Mulder fast asleep, laying on his side with one hand grasping the blanket and the other holding his phone. Dana smiled at the site, he looked like a 12 year old. She walked over to the bedside and gently eased the phone from his grip, and turned it off along with hers. She trailed her fingertips over his brow, pushing away a lock of chestnut brown hair. She realized he was even more handsome in his sleep. His eyes opened slowly, looking past her toward the door. "Scully?" he rasped. "I'm right here." she said, leaning down closer to him. "How are you feeling?" "Better." He smiled and cleared his throat, struggling to get his voice back. "You want some water?" he nodded his head, and moments later Scully returned with a glass from the kitchen. She helped him sit up, and guide the cup to his lips. When a stray drop trickled down the side of his chin, she wiped it away with her hand. "Thanks." Scully helped him lay down again. "You should get some rest." "Stay with me." He said this so softly, she barely heard him. Pulling away for a moment, Dana took off her suit jacket and shoes. Then, she slipped between the warm sheets. He seemed hesitant at first, afraid he would make a wrong move. He put his arms around her and was relieved when she didn't pull away, but instead held him tightly also. Scully sighed and ran her fingers through his hair, calming and willing him to sleep. She soon followed. __________________________________________________________________ From: meginn@juno.com (Meg Inntonti) Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 17:09:09 -0400 Subject: Blind But the Soul Can See (2) Dana woke to a light pressure on her face. Her eyes fluttered open and looked strait into the endless depths of Mulder's. His eyes were focused on a point just beyond her, his fingers lightly tracing the fine contours of her face. The tip of his index finger ran down the delicate slope of her cheek, his other fingers floating over her skin like whispers. He was reading her face like Braille, the pads of his fingers barely touching the sensitive flesh. They trailed all over her forehead, cheekbones, down the bridge of her Roman nose, and across her rose bud lips. His fingers were memorizing her features, filling in the small gaps of the picture he had imprinted in his mind. Remembering her smile, her arched eyebrow, and all her other looks with his touch. When Mulder's finger's reached her eyes and found them open, they retreated quickly. Missing his touch immediately, Dana spoke. "It's okay Mulder." her voice was low, and a little shy. "You can touch my face." His hand came up, than stopped in mid-air as if he wasn't sure, than slowly his warm finger's met her skin. They trailed over her face the same as before, light and sweet. "Your face is so soft." he said lightly, almost afraid that his confession would make her angry and she would pull away. His fingers ran down the curve of her face from her temple to her chin. "It's so beautiful, so... perfect." A smile reached Dana's lips just as Mulder's finger's did. He ran them delicately over her mouth, and smiled himself. "and you have an incredible smile." Dana face softened with compassion for the man in front of her. She brought her hand up to his face and held it lightly in her palm. She tilted his head a bit so he was facing her, and she looked into his barren, listless eyes. Mulder was suddenly aware that he told Scully more than he should have. He normally would keep these kinds of thoughts to himself, but he felt so easy and comfortable like this with her. Also, he knew... he felt that things were changing between them. Especially now, he couldn't keep her at arms length anymore; he needed her almost like he needed to breathe... and maybe more. Mulder lowered his head a little, and Dana dropped her hand from his face. She took a deep breath before speaking. "Well, I guess we should get ready. I have to go into work today." Mulder acknowledged her statement with a nod of his head, and got up out of the warm haven of blanket and sheets. Dana watched him as he slowly navigated himself out of the bedroom and down the hallway. __________________________________________________________________ Scully was in the bathroom getting ready for work, when she heard Mulder shuffling down the hallway. He had one arm out, brushing along the wall until he felt the open doorway. He gripped the corner, and slowly turned so he was standing in the frame. Scully looked at him and noticed how old he looked. From the head down, dressed in boxer shorts and a New York Nicks t-shirt he looked pretty damn good; but, his face was covered in a thin beard, the result of not being able to shave for two weeks. It added about ten years to his face, but he still looked handsome. "Why don't you sit down and let me shave you." Dana suggested. Mulder stood motionless for a minute, thinking it over carefully before nodding his agreement. While Dana sifted through his medicine cabinet to find a razor and shaving cream, Mulder found the toilet seat and sat down on the cover. She ran a small hand towel under the warm tap, than tilted his face up, and gently moistened it with the damp cloth. Dana sprayed some shaving cream gel into her palm and lathered it into a white frothy foam. She gently dabbed it under his chin, across his cheeks and under along his neck. After he was covered, she ran the razor blade under the water, than brought it to his face. Mulder closed his eyes, and kept his face tilted at angle she had positioned it. In his mind he threw out all the images of Kristen and pictured Scully. He remembered the softness of her skin, and the smooth angles of her face, her deep blue eyes and crimson-red hair; it was like he could see her right in front of him. He took in a deep breath and could smell the soapy shaving cream along with Scully's shampoo. He could tell her hair was still wet from her shower because the smell was stronger than usual. Her breath was soft and warm on his face and smelled of mint toothpaste. He could hardly feel the blade against his skin, only the cold glide of the metal bars. It didn't scratch or burn, as she applied just the right amount of pressure, and altered between short and long strokes as she molded the razor to move easily over the contours of his face. Every once and a while she would pull back, and he could hear the tap running as she ran the razor underneath to clean off the foam and hair. Than she would come back and he could hear the rasp of metal against his face, accompanied by Dana's soft, even breathing. When she was done, Dana tried his face with the towel and stood back to admire her work. No nicks. Mulder smiled shyly and stood up. "Thanks." "No problem." They stood there for a minute, than Dana moved to leave the bathroom. __________________________________________________________________ Mulder was asleep on the couch when he heard a knock at the front door. He lifted himself from his comfortable position on the couch, slowly and carefully making his way across the living room until he felt the door beneath his fingers. He groped for the door knob, unlocking, turning, and opening it. "Fox." He was greeted by the cold, distant tone of his mother's voice. "Mom?" Mulder was surprised and a little nervous to find his mother had come over. He moved to the until his shoulder hit the side of the door frame, allowing his mother enough room to enter. She walked past him briskly, and stopped somewhere in the middle of his dark apartment. She began speaking in the same detached tone, as if he was a stranger rather than her own son. "I heard about what happened. You couldn't pick up the phone and call me?" He didn't need to see her to know the icy glare that was in her eyes, and the tight frown that rested on her face. The anger was evident in her voice, and he could sense a tinge of sadness lingering somewhere underneath. Mulder shut the door, and took a few small steps toward the direction of her voice. "Mom. I'm sorry, things have been really rough lately." Fox's mother looked at him and saw for the first time how empty and desolate his eyes were. Her frown turned into a small grimace as she tried not to cry. Mulder could hear the waver and pain in her voice. "I thought you were dead. The Bureau called me and told me and I...." "I'm sorry." His voice was sad, filled with regret for things he could not prevent. His mother's words came out bitter and harsh, slapping him with the reality of what he had done to her. "You come to me, after not calling or visiting for months- and you... accuse me of having an AFFAIR with- with HIM! Than you storm out, and the next thing I hear is that you took your own life!" She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and the immense emotions that fought for dominance over her. "To get a call... and have someone tell you that your son has committed suicide - it's the worst thing a parent can go through." She paused for a minute, gathering her thoughts. Her feelings were altering between bitter anger and complete sorrow. "If you want to play these games with your life- than go ahead. Find whatever it is your looking for- but leave me out of it. I DO NOT want you coming to my house anymore. I DO NOT want to get another call telling me that my son is dead, I can't deal with that." She spoke slowly, each word breaking through the darkness and hitting him hard, right in the gut. "Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I had to do it- I had no choice." He was angry, but his voice was sad and scared. "Why? Why did you do it? To find Samantha? Everyone gave up years ago. I loved her Fox, but she's gone now and there is nothing we can do about it. I want to forget, Fox. I don't want to remember the horrible times when I lost my baby girl. I just want to put it behind me - but you won't let me." "It wasn't about Samantha." He said in a small whisper. "Than what was it about? What was so important that you had to fake your own death - and scare the hell out of me?!" "Scully." Again, his voice was barely audible. "That's what this is all about? You did all that for her? Is she worth it to you?" "Yes." "I see. So, you would risk your own mother for her?" the bitterness came back with a vengeance. "Mom. That's not how it is." His voice became sterner and more powerful. "Don't give me that shit Fox. You gave up your sister for her- I know that if you had to make the choice, you would pick her over me too." Mulder just stood silently, letting his own mother's harsh words sink in. He knew they were all true. Mrs. Mulder walked up to her son, bringing her arm up to his shoulder for a brief minute, before letting it drop limply to her side. "Well, I hope she stays with you." Her voice was softer, but not at all comforting. She looked at him more like a lost, wounded puppy than her own child. "You need all the help you can get now. I hope she'll stay and take care of you- because she's all the family you have left now. Bye Fox." She turned and left, shutting the door softly behind her. Mulder collapsed onto the sofa and buried his face in his hands; but the tears that he expected, did not come. _________________________________________________________________ Dana entered the apartment wearily and dropped her coat and briefcase on the hardwood floor. She kicked off her shoes, while removing her suit jacket and untucking her silk blouse from a pair of black, tailored pants. She sighed with relief, glad that another hectic work day was over. Her day was filled with meeting after meeting, paper after paper - all to save the X-Files from closing. The truth was, she didn't think they could be saved anymore. Dana had all but begged Skinner to give her more time; explaining that she was in the process of finding a doctor for Mulder. Skinner was sceptical - but he compromised. The X-Files would be dormant for six weeks, and if Mulder could not come back to work, or no replacement has been made, they would be terminated. Scully knew that working with another partner was out of the question. There could be no replacement for Mulder in her life. The only hope they had was the fact that the Lone Gunman were still searching for a doctor. Dana found Mulder sitting on the couch, his elbows rested on his knees and his arms were trembling. His head was clasped between the palms of his hands, and he was oblivious to her entrance. She went to him and placed her hand carefully on his shoulder. Mulder flinched at the contact and she pulled away. "What's wrong?" she asked softly aware, as always, when something was troubling him. "Go away Scully." His voice was thick and quavering, she could tell by the tone that he had been crying. She sat down next to him, but not close enough to touch. Her forehead crinkled, showing her worry and pain. "Don't push me away Mulder." His head left his hands, and she gently tilted his face so it was in front of her. Tears made wet, crooked lines down his face. "I have to." he whispered sternly; trying to convince himself as well as her. Dana let her hand drop from his face. "What do you mean Mulder? I'm here to help you, if you just tell me what's wrong-" "No!" He said loudly, standing up and spinning around in one motion. His face was not focused down at her, but strait ahead at the wall. "You are NOT going to always be here Scully." He started to calm down a bit, and began speaking in soft even tones. "Dana. I may never see again, and your not always going to be here to watch after me. But I can't live without you, before this happened - and even more everyday I'm with you." "Mulder, I'm not going anywhere." Scully stood up and walked over to her partner. She put one hand on his arm to calm him, and her other hand brought his face closer to hers. "I'm useless Scully. I can't give you anything." He whispered helplessly. "Yes you can. You can give me YOU and that's all that I want. That's why I'm here Mulder. That's why I've always been here." Mulder would have given anything to have been able to look into her eyes when she said those words to him. But, he could tell by the sound of her voice that she truly meant it. His voice came out in one breath, low and soft. "I miss your face." Dana reached for Mulder's hands and brought them to her face, placing one on either side of her head. He held her for a while, before gently moving his thumbs back and fourth. He examined her face carefully and thoughtfully, his fingertips like an angel's breath over her skin. Dana closed her eyes and concentrated on the intense, electric feeling that shot through her body at his touch. She almost didn't realize when the cool, dry pressure became warm and moist. She didn't need to open her eyes to know that Mulder was slowly pressing soft, full kisses along her forehead. They traveled down one side of her face, and up the other, lightly over her closed eyelids and down the delicate bridge of her nose. There was a small, almost debatable pause before his lips met hers. They stood unmoving, letting time stand still for one indulging moment. They began to kiss softly, lips embracing and tongues exploring. Touching in this intimate way they never have before, but always craved from each other. Finding that special feeling they've been searching for in other people, that has always been right in front of them. Giving what they had always denied themselves, but deserved more than anyone else. While they kissed slowly, Dana brought Mulder's hand up her side until it was cupping her left breast. He broke away and tried to face her the best he could. "Dana?" "I want you to touch me Mulder. Like you did on my face, but on my body." She felt afraid telling him this, but she needed it. She needed him just as much as he needed her, and she wanted him to know it. And he did. Slowly, Dana helped navigate Mulder so he was sitting on the couch. She stood still for a moment before climbing onto his lap, facing him. She straddled his thighs, sitting up against his body. The only sound in the dark apartment was both their breaths, heavy and unsteady. Dana sat up, watching the emotions that played across Mulder's face as he touched her. His eyes were empty, the pupils large, back holes staring into another dark world. She took off her blouse, then her bra, letting it fall over her skin to land on the floor in a puddle of fabric. His hands were soft and warm against her skin, the fingertips moving in a delicate rhythm over her body. His thumb flowed once across her bottom lip, than his hands descended down the base of her neck. His fingers slipped down the column of her throat with ease and grace, until they met her shoulders. Mulder's palms started down her arms, his fingers caressing the skin left behind. He met Dana's hands, and they entwined with his own, holding him put while she leaned in for another long, intoxicating kiss. When she finally pulled away and loosened her grip, his hands slipped from hers and returned to her body. Mulder's hands swept up the sides of her body, feeling the delicate turn and softness from her back to her chest. His hands moved to her back, where it ran up and down lightly, tracing invisible, imaginary patterns on the smooth flesh. Dana's back arched slightly beneath his touch. His hands moved wistfully over her body, touching, exploring, and memorizing every curve, and every detail. He read her body like Braille, painting a picture of her beautiful, perfect body in his mind, and in his soul. He had long ago touched her soul and her heart, and know as he touched her delicate body in this most intimate way he felt as if everything was perfect. He had such a clear, precise picture of her before him in his mind he felt like he was seeing again. His hands moved to her breast, holding them in his palm, then brushing the pad of his thumb over the nipple. Dana's body moved against him and she gasped, pulling him closer so she could touch him. She hastily tugged his t-shirt over his head, letting it fall in the pile with her clothes. She ran her hands up his chest, manicured fingernails barely grazing his sensitive flesh. Their mouths met again, in a set of feverish kisses, punctured by sighs and moans. Mulder moved to the side, so he was laying full length along the couch, with Dana atop of him. She removed his boxers and pants, and then her own. When she returned, he took advantage of her lack of clothes, running his hands along her thighs. Mulder felt the a warm tightness wrap around him, as Dana eased herself on him. They moved together, his hands caressing the small of her back, her body pressed against his. He heard her whisper his name between small noises of pleasure, and echoed it right back. Dana's eyes squeezed shut, and her whole body tightened as she convulsed around him. He came soon after, a low groan escaping from his lips before they were taken by her. She kissed him softly, he kissed her back, and no words were spoken. __________________________________________________________________ Mulder was aware of a warmth skittering across his face. He opened his eyes to darkness, but he could feel the blocks of morning light that sifted through the blinds to dance wildly around the room. He shifted a bit and realized he was not on the couch, but a larger, more comfortable queen-sized bed. Knowing Scully, he figured that she had led him into her bedroom sometime during the night, but he didn't remember. Mulder turned over, onto his opposite side and sensed the warmth of a small body next to his. He reached a hand out cautiously until he felt Dana's hair beneath his fingertips. He ran his hand through the auburn tresses, which were wavy and soft from slumber. He felt her body shift, and heard her breathing change. She let out a soft sigh of languid contentment, and turned to face him. Mulder moved his hand from her hair, and brought it to the side of her face. He smiled lazily and felt her cheekbones heighten as she smiled back. Dana moved foreword the remaining distance between them, until their lips met. She kissed him softly for a moment, then pulled back slightly. "Morning." He smiled again. "Good Morning." His arms wrapped themselves around her T-shirt clad form. He kissed her back lightly. And then again. She smiled. He kissed her smile. Dana laid her head on Mulder's chest and snuggled in close to his body, which was warm from sleep. They had a silent, but understood communication. There was no need to talk about what happened last night, they knew it was what they both needed. They would deal with the repercussions later- now it was just the two of them, and nothing else was very important. After a while, Dana lifted her head form it's comfortable place on Mulder's chest, tilted her head to the side a little and spoke. "You hungry??" Mulder chuckled at her apparent enthusiasm. "Sure." He replied as she pushed herself up and off the bed. She stood and watched him cautiously sit up and place his bare feet on the floor. He stood up strait and turned toward her, one arm reaching down beside him. The tips of his fingers splayed out and ran across the bedspread, as he guided himself past the obstacle. His fingers met the end of the bed and he gripped the bedpost, turning himself before making his way across the room. Dana was about to help him, but stopped short of reaching out and grabbing his arm. She knew Mulder needed to do this. She couldn't mother him forever; he needed to learn how to do things on his own now, just in case.... just in case he didn't get his sight back. Dana squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, almost like she could feel physical pain from the thought. She didn't want to think about that now, she couldn't. She had to be strong for herself and for Mulder, or else they both might tear apart at the seems. And God know the thread that is holding them together now is weak and fragile. "I'll be in the kitchen." She told him, resting a hand on his arm before moving past him. "I'll meet you there." He said with a smile. Glad that he was okay about the situation, and joking about it a little, Dana smile herself and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. __________________________________________________________________ Mulder made his way down the hallway, brushing his hand against the wall. He followed the tinkering sounds coming from the kitchen, accompanied by the potent aroma of hazelnut coffee. When he reached his destination he entered slowly and carefully, trying not to bump into anything and make a big mess. He could sense Dana at the counter to his right. He could hear her movements and feel a small gust of wind blow against him when she moved around. His hand first connected with the refrigerator, than glided over the slick, white marble countertop. They stopped upon reaching Dana's arm, and he stood in back of her, wrapping his arms around her waist. Mulder leaned down close, his lips barely brushing her ear. "Found you." He whispered lightly, before placing a delicate kiss on the sensitive fleshbehing her ear. which he found out drove her crazy. She turned around in his arms, and kissed him on the mouth. He could feel her smile beneath his lips. She pulled back after a while, and he gave her enough room to move back to the counter and continue making breakfast, but he still held her from behind. Mulder tried to figure out what she was making by the smells. "Bran muffins... grapefruit... and..." He heard a metallic ding over to his left where the toaster was. "... toast!" Dana laughed lightly, and continued slicing the grapefruit on the cutting board. "You're right." She turned around slightly, and raised a piece of grapefruit to his lips. Mulder caught it between his teeth and bit down. Dana smiled, popped the other half into her own mouth, and continued slicing. Mulder bent down again and rested his head on her shoulder. His arms tightened around her waist, and he sighed deeply. "I wish you didn't have to go into work today." "Who says I do? I was planing to staying home today, there are a lot more important things I need to do here." Mulder smiled, and began to gently kiss her neck. He ran his tongue along the smooth, white shell of Dana's ear and whispered in a heavy, sexy voice. "I can think of a few things I need you to do." Breakfast was soon forgotten, and almost ended up on the floor when he lifted her onto the counter. Their kisses started out slow and thorough, but grew hotter and more intense. Mulder's hands ran under her shirt and over her body in slow, erotic strokes. Dana pressed her body closer against him and wrapped her legs around his waist. Her hands seeped under his T-shirt and she dragged her fingers up and down his back, gently rocking her hips against his. The kitchen phone startled them both, but was not deemed important enough for them to cease what they were doing to answer it. "Let the machine get it." Clothes fell in a heap on the floor, the cut up pieces of grapefruit were hastily pushed into the sink, along with other plates and mugs. Their moans became louder and more excited, almost drowning out the annoying metallic buzz of the telephone. "Hey Mulder, It's us! If your there man, pick up the phone. It's important!" Mulder let out a groan of disappointment and annoyance, and he tried to extract himself from the half-naked, beautiful woman he was entangled with. Dana finally got free, and slipped off the counter, hurrying across the room to snatch up the phone. "Hold on guys, we're right here! Don't hand up." She took the phone away from her ear for a moment in order to pull her shirt over her head, which she'd grabbed off the floor. A very unhappy Mulder, clad only in his boxer shorts, guided himself over to her. She placed the phone in his outstretched hand. He cleared his throat and spoke. "This had better be good, guys." Langly's excited voice greeted him over the line. "Oh, I'd say this is better than good, Mulder!" Frohicke's voice entered from somewhere in the background. "Hey Mulder, you sound a little out of breath - what have you two been doing?" "Wouldn't you like to know Frohicke -" Langly's voice came back on the line. "Mulder - we've got great news. We found you a Doctor. His name is Dr. Markes,... I've got his address right here..." The Lone Gunman's voice blurred together and trailed off in Mulder's head. He was silent, not believing what he was hearing. Even though he tried to stay optimistic the whole time, he never thought anything like this would really happen. But it was. He couldn't see the questioning look on Dana's face, but felt her place her hand on his arm in a comforting gesture. "Mulder?" He turned toward her voice and gave a small, tentative smile. "They did it Scully. They found a doctor." Dana almost cried, she was so happy. She couldn't believe it either. After all they had been through, all the bad luck, and sad, dark times, she didn't think anything this incredible could happen to them. There had only been one other time a miracle like this had happened, and that was when she had been cured of her cancer. But this wasn't just given to them from some evil, nameless man who hides in a cloud of smoke. Call it what you want - luck or fate - but this was real. Mulder was going to get his sight back. "Oh my God." Dana threw her hands around Mulder's neck and held him close. She felt his body shake, and wasn't sure if he was laughing or crying. She pulled back and kissed him deeply, with all the love and compassion she had. "I'm so happy, Mulder." She whispered against his lips. "Me too. Finally something is going right." He paused for a moment. "Two things, actually." He said, and kissed her back. There was a big clunk as the phone receiver hit the floor. "Mulder? Hey Mulder?! You there?!?" __________________________________________________________________ They sat in the plane quietly, Dana's hand was lying on the armrest, her finger's entwined with Mulder's. Dr. Cliff Markes ran his practice out of a small building in Memphis, Tennessee. He was an optometrist and specialist in laser surgery. They contacted him last night and scheduled an immediate appointment. Dana had contacted Skinner and he seemed genuinely happy about the news, she knew that the A.D. was secretly happy Mulder would be coming back to work. They had their differences, but Dana knew they both respected each other, even if neither of them would ever admit it. She turned her head to Mulder and saw that his eyes were closed. She never could figure out how he managed to fall asleep in the cramped airplane seats; but he did seem to be comfortable spending most nights on his couch. she thought to herself with a smile. Dana rested her head on Mulder's shoulder, and soon drifted into sleep, much like the plane drifted into the clouds, and toward Memphis. __________________________________________________________________ Scully drove the seafoam green, rental Ford up the unpaved, unnamed street. A thick cloud of dust billowed behind them, as the car made it's way along the lumpy road. "Where the hell are we, Scully?" Mulder had one hand gripping the armrest and the other on the dashboard. "We're almost there... I think." About another half an hour later, they pulled up to a large brick building, with clinging ivy. There was one other car besides theirs in the parking lot, a red, rusty Grande Marque. Scully parked the car next to it and turned off the engine; the radio died with it, leaving them in silence. "Well, this is it." She looked at him. "This is it." He echoed, empty eyes looking strait ahead out the window. She unlocked her door and pushed it open. "Let's go." She got out of the car and he followed, allowing her to lead him into the building. They entered the building to find it strangely quiet and empty. She looked around, and found a door to her right, the letters Dr. Markes carved into the dark wood. Dana led Mulder to the door and knocked. When nobody answered she opened the it. Mulder was standing behind her and could hear the horrified gasp that escaped her throat. The stench of a rotten corpse invaded his nostrils, and made him sick. He could smell the blood and guts and death. He pictured Dr. Markes, lying face down on the floor, after being forced on his knees and shot execution style. One dark hole were the bullet sliced through his head, taking his life, and hopes, and dreams.... along with Mulder's. Lying in a dark pool of lifeblood, that no longer lives up to it's name. "Mulder, get back in the car." Her voice was shaky and unsteady. "Scully-" "NOW, Mulder." He backed away, and out of the building searching blindly for the car. When he finally located it, he opened the door and climbed in. __________________________________________________________________ Scully returned about twenty minutes later and climbed into the drivers seat. Her voice was weak, but a lot steadier. "I called the police." There was a short pause. "Was it him? Dr. Markes?" "Yes, I think so." Dana turned to him, and she could see the tears forming in his eyes. She wiped at her own, trying to rid them of the moisture. "It was them, I know it. They don't want me to get my sight back." His face turned to her. His eyes were blank, and a look of extreme despondency scarred his beautiful face. "Oh, Mulder." She reached out for him and he came willingly in her arms; they held each other, and cried silent, cold tears. He knew nothing could ever be perfect. It was never meant to be. In the real world, you don't get a happily ever after. fade to black. end. __________________________________________________________________ AUTHORS NOTE: Please don't flame me for any inconsistencies about Mulder's blindness and the treatment. I needed it this way for the story. Any other flames